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Alabama - "Carnival Worker Arrested After Butt-Dialing His Friend While Having 'Sex with His Dog' and Recording the Act" -Daily Mail

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Alaska - "Alaska Man with Eyeball Tattoo Pleads Guilty to Attempted Murder, Says 'Beautiful Face' Led to Crime" -National Post

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Arizona - "Arizona Man Arrested After Shooting at the Moon, High on Marijuana" -Daily Mail

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Arkansas - "Arkansas Woman Steals $144 of Eye Makeup, Wear It All At Same Time" -Jezebel

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California - "Woman Gives Birth, Fights off Bees, Starts Wildfire in Northern California" -LA Times

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Colorado - "Aspen Man Hires Stuffed Owl as His Defense Attorney" -Huffington Post

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Connecticut - "Man Arrested for 'Aggressively Mopping Floor'" -The Independent

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Delaware - "Cops: Man, 22, Threw Semen on Walmart Shopper" -The Smoking Gun

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Florida - "Orlando Gun Range Allows Customers to Shoot at Each Other" -WKMG-TV

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Georgia - "Georgia Man Accidentally Texts Probation Officer to Ask for Weed" -CNET

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Hawaii - "Invasive, Acid-Spraying Ants in Hawaii Are Deforming Native Seabird Chicks" -Smithsonian Mag

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Idaho - "Robber Wears Underwear on Head During Idaho Burglary" -Times-News

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Illinois - "Woman Missing Since She Got Lost" -Chicago Sun-Times

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Indiana - "Give the Dog a Bone? Man Wakes up to Find Pet Has Eaten His Toes" -Huffington Post

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Iowa - "Iowa Man Arrested After Fight with Brother Over PB&J Sandwiches" -Omaha World-Herald

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Kansas - "Audreanna Phelps Finds God’s Name in Vein on Her Leg" -Huffington Post

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Kentucky - "Local Child Wins Gun from Fundraiser" -Blog Spot

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Louisiana - "Drunk Dad Sleeps While Boy, 8, Drives: Police" -Fox News

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Maine - "Man Gripes to Police That Prostitute Still Owes Him 10 Minutes" -Mandatory

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Maryland - "Cops: Man Broke into Home to Lick the Remote Control" -Pakistan Today

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Massachusetts - "Woman Allegedly Assaults Sandwich Maker over ‘Too Many Pickles’" -FOX 31 Denver

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Michigan - "Man Coming Through Window Says He Was Warning Neighbor About Prowler" -Mandatory

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Minnesota - "Minnesota Thieves Steal $70,000 Worth of Bull Semen" -Huffington Post

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Mississippi - "Missippi’s [sic] literacy program shows improvement" -Huffington Post

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Missouri - "High School Student Arrested for Allegedly Changing Teen’s Name to ‘Masturbate’ in Yearbook" -Huffington Post

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Montana - "Man Wearing Bigfoot Suit Killed on Montana Highway While Trying To Scare Drivers" -Slate Magazine

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Nebraska - "Dumbest Stoners Ever Call Police over Stolen Marijuana Pipes... and Authorities Find Their In-House Grow Operation" -Daily Mail

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Nevada - "Moviegoer Shoots Self in the Butt During ‘Bourne Legacy’ at Theater" -New York Daily News

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New Hampshire - "Man Loses Life Savings Playing Carnival Game, Wins Giant Banana" -TIME

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New Jersey - "New Jersey Man Vomits Up 14 Bags of Heroin in Front of Police" -Complex

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New Mexico - "Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney" -Mandatory

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New York - "Cops: Mom's Stripping Disrupts NY School Assembly" -WTXL-TV

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North Carolina - "17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree" -Mandatory

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North Dakota - "Six High School Baseball Players Suspended for Performing Alleged Sex Act on Team Bus with McChicken Sandwich and Gatorade Bottle" -Daily Mail

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Ohio - "Ohio Man Arrested for Having Sex with Inflatable Raft for Third Time in Three Years" -New York Daily News

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Oklahoma - "Oklahoma Man Gets 30 Years in Prison for Fatal 'Atomic Wedgie'" -Reuters

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Oregon - "Lion Tries to Eat Zebra-Striped Toddler at Oregon Zoo" -Huffington Post

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Pennsylvania - "Teasing over Vaginal Flatulence on School Bus Leads to Groin Attack" -Huffington Post

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Rhode Island - "RI Cops Probed For Making Teens Do Pushups As Punishment" -AOL

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South Carolina - "Woman Stabs Roommate for Refusing to Stop Listening to The Eagles" -Gawker

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South Dakota - "Breastfeeding Bandit Sneaks into Home and Suckles Stranger’s Baby" -Online Nigeria

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Tennessee - "Man Arrested for Drunkenly Attempting to Have Sex with an Atm - and a Picnic Table" -Daily Mail

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Texas - "Drinking Game Leaves Man Nude, on Fire" -WTAJ-TV

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Utah - "Man Determined to Get Arrested, Gets Arrested" -Mandatory

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Vermont - "Public Steps Up, Helps Vermont Cops Identify Notorious Washing Machine Urinator" -The Smoking Gun

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Virginia - "Porn Star Sues over Rear-End Collision" -Reddit

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Washington - "Woman Stabs Classmate in Anger-Management Class" -Seattle Times

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West Virginia - "Frat Boy Sues for Injuries Caused by Rocket Shot from Anus" -Huffington Post

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Wisconsin - "Wis. Man Got Shot — Intentionally — in 'Phenomenally Stupid' Attempt to Win Back Ex-Girlfriend" -CBS News

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Wyoming -

"The State of Wyoming Has 2 Escalators" -The Atlantic

See also: The most ambitious heists of all time

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